Recap

I've been slacking in my Celebrity Gossip so I'll try to catch you up to speed.

*Madonna steals black babies from Africa claiming they're orphans, when in fact they have living parents.

*Britney Spears' baby is named Jayden James Federline which is infinitely more hideous than Sutton Pierce, even if Sutton reminds me of Mutton, a dish the child will most likely never sample after being raised on a steady diet of corn syrup and hot dogs.

*Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are reportedly getting married in Italy on November 18th. Katie will wear Armani. And in true Scientology Wedding Ceremony tradition, Tom Cruise will catch the bouquet and cry on his gay Vietnamese lover's shoulder about how amazing Xenu is.

*Naomi Campbell was arrested on - SHOCKER - assault charges filed by her own drug counselor. More intriguing than how she can get away with continually beating the help is how she still has a modeling career at the age of 37. Modern science. Marvelous!

*Really old news - Paris Mantis and La Chupacabra AND Firecrotch LaLohan have appeared to reconcile their petty grievances, a la Mean Girls. I'm confused...which one can tell if it's raining by looking at her nipples?

Sleeplessnessity

Sleeplessnessity: (n.) Self diagnosis of a medical condition involving the act of waking up at least 10 times during eight hours of sleep causing the sufferer to make up random words like "sleeplessnessity" to describe their plight.

Damn you, Tylenol P.M. Damn you to Hell.

On the upside, not having an uninterupted night of sleep for almost a week and a half has given me plenty of time to dwell on important issues. Like this morning, on my way to work in my car, which I was operating on less than 4 hours of sleep in three days, in which I could probably succumb to exhaustion, veer my car into the left lane and take out two caravans driven by soccer moms. Three, if I'm lucky. Where was I?

Right...important issues:

"Jennifer is a fat person's name. But is that true? Maybe it's my association with Jenny Craig. So is Jenny a fat name? I know a Jenny and she's not fat. She lives in Portugal. Nan-the-Blogless-Porkchop is from Portugal. Nan and I went to school with a Jenny. She was fat. If some Jenny's are fat and all Jennifers are Jenny's, does that mean all Zoobs are Gleeks?"

Ho-Bag Returnths

Puff, Nan the Blogless Porkchop and I went out to dinner on Saturday before going to a Chocolate Making Class. The hostess sat me down at a table while I was waiting for my friends to show up, and who do you think takes my drink order?! HO-BAG!

On one hand I was really excited because she wasn't dead, like I had feared; in fact, she was still Ho-alicious. On the other hand, I briefly wondered if I should ask her to wear gloves whilst handling my food, lest I catch one of her many STD's.

But I digress...

Ho-Bag has one nasty little lisp. And afther justht one Ketel One and Tonic I couldn't help but thay everything with a lithp. I mean, it wath tho hard to keep a thraight fathe while the Queen of Trojanths wath athking me if we needed anthing elth. I was completely bethidths mythelf. Jutht athk anyone.

*No, that's not a picture of Ho-Bag. Ho-Bag looks more diseased.

Halloween

I haven't been to a costume party. Ever. I haven't dressed up for Halloween since I was eleven. I think it's overdue. Though finding a party to invite myself to is proving more difficult than I thought.

What is so wrong about wanting to dress up as a majestic fairy with a huge rack? Bring forth the glitter, people.

Hell No, She Don't Do Blow

Lindsay, honey. Lay off the coke. It's making you bloated.

Try heroin...very slimming.

Pull It Together, Bitch

Dear Jessica:

I know things aren't going well for you right now, but as the black & white movies of the 40's and 50's tell you, things will turn out right. Sure, you have a creepy father who's Hell bent on ruining your career, you divorced a relatively good looking man and the tabloids painted you an unfaithful whore, you can't sing, and your once-uglier-than-you-but-she-got-a-nose-job-and-now-she's-playing-the-lead-role-in-the-British-version-of-Chicago-sister is upstaging you. So you're a little stressed-out and might be gaining some weight. So your ex-husband is dating a hot chick who still has a job on TV.

I'm pretty sure I was supposed to tell you where things would be OK, but Jesus...you might as well run to the store and stock up on some pills and razor blades now.

Love,
Min

PS - You look like shit - having a gay hairstylist does not automatically make him good at what he does.

Bully Blogging

Puff informed me that I am to update the blog with the following information:

House of Carters: I had seen this clip last week and it is reality TV gold. Nick Carter whines about his little brother, Aaron, whoring around with Blonde Tranny Hilton. Get some popcorn and watch!

Blonde Tranny Hilton and Star Jones' anorexic twin have reconciled their petty Hollywood High catfight. If you recall, Richie allegedly showed Hilton's sex tape "One Night in Paris" to a group of people when Hilton was asked to host SNL without the petite rat/sidekick. I guess Paris is OK with people watching the tape, as long as they're willing to pay her for it.

In other news, there is nothing more grotesque than hearing your fat co-worker in the stall next to you in the rest room squeezing out a fresh stink-stick:

"MMMmmmm....*plop*....*plop, plop*....ahhhhhhh....."

Open Up

The world is turning upside down. First Paris Hilton gets punched by an ex-Playboy Playmate and now a Janet Jackson reveals she has a vagina in her cleavage. Crazy, I tell you!

The Adventures Of Min And Nan

Nan the Blogless Porkchop and I set out for a girls' weekend; as she had never freely roamed Boston, and I at one point considered (very briefly, mind you) the possibility of living there, we chose a hotel on Expedia and started the 3-hour drive.

Our itinerary included visiting Quincy Market and drinking. And eating. And drinking some more. We took the “T” into the “city” from the stop near our hotel. After spending a whole three hours walking around Boston and pretty much seeing everything it had to offer, we decided to head back to the Cheesecake Factory located serendipitously adjacent to our hotel.

Our itinerary became even more narrowly clear: drink, watch the Yankees (YAY) vs. Red Sox (BOO) game and crawl back to our room. Oh, and try not to get killed by the insane Sox fans.

Sitting alone at the bar of the restaurant two or three barstools from us sat a man who would occasionally comment to us on the game. Eventually he bought us drinks. Somewhere between learning his name and his trade (photography), we all wound up in a taxi, headed to a strip bar.

Tonight, after two years of e-mailing we’re finally catching up at one of my favorite restaurants on 2nd Ave.; Let the insane stories continue…

And Eat It Too

"I haven't eaten anything over the size of a walnut since I got my stomach stapled. Step away from the cake, and no one gets hurt."

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall...

You look in the mirror and to your horror, you seem to have gained 30 pounds overnight. You want to wear nothing but sweatpants and your guy’s favorite hooded sweatshirt because it kind of smells like him; not in that “back from the gym” kind of way, but the “I put on cologne for you because I knew we were going out to dinner and I know you like it when I smell like Ralph Lauren” kind of way. Cookies for breakfast sounds many more times appealing than oatmeal. The gym is Hell, and the elliptical is The Dark Prince, himself.

Yes, my friends. Today is a fat day.