Paris Mantis Struts Her Tranny Stuff

What up, bitches?! It's me, your favorite wookie-eyed tranny! In ski goggles! And yellow pants that actually have the ability to make my malnourished, Red Bull fueled corpse look fat and show off a raging case of camel toe!

But seriously you guys, I'm here for the message. 2 B Free wants its fans to know that they have the freedom to wear clothing. And not just any clothing, because some clothing isn't as hot as other clothing. And then sometimes when I'm hot I don't like wearing any clothing, but not "hot" as in "oh my God, Nicole, those ski goggles look hot on you", but more like, "oh my God, Nicole, it's so hot outside that if I wear clothing I'm going to start sweating and it will majorly start streaking my Mystic Tan".

Umm...what was I saying?

I wonder if Baby Luv will think my hair is trying to attack him and he'll bite me again...

Bag-Lady Olsen

What is up with this chick? Why does she think the "street-walking crack-whore" look is in?

Ohhh, but you are a sneeky one, aren't you? Grocery shopping, MK? You nearly had me believe you were planning on eating food. Well played. Well played, indeed.

Mardi Gras Is Everyday

I returned from New Orleans on Sunday after a three day conference in the drunken city. Seriously, it's one gigantic bar. People wake up, go to Cafe du Monde to get a few beignets, then head to a bar for a bloody mary. And once it's 11:30 am, they switch to beer. This continues until about the time they pass out in Jackson Square, only to be roused by the gypsies or any of the busking musicians.

I stayed at the W Hotel on Poydras, which was probably very nice when it first opened. However, by now its walls are scuffed, its air stale, and not even the mini bar (complete with "Intimacy Kit For 2") or our neighbor who blasted the porn channel at 3 a.m. could make me smile. The W Hotel claims the tagline "Whatever, Whenever". I would like to change that to "Whatever, Whenever...we get around to it".

Apart from the slowness of the city, the people are generally friendly and mostly toothless. The creole people - the real ones - are some of the most gorgeous people I've ever seen in my life. It must be that Haitian and French DNA meld perfectly together.

Being a relatively small city with a surprising amount of stuff to do, I've compiled a list of to do's for the wary traveler heading to New Orleans:

• Do go to Canal Street and find the mall because you forget to pack hosiery for your morning meeting.
• Do NOT ask the Saks Fifth Avenue saleswoman where the hosiery is located; it's pantyhose.
• Do expect to find meat in all food prepared in or near New Orleans.
• Do let the waiter know you are a vegetarian and would like the meat left out of the entree.
• Do expect the meat-free entree you requested to come back with shrimp.
• Do NOT expect the waiter to care that your request for no meat was disregarded.
• Do NOT expect a discounted meal after seeing a cockroach skitter across your table, nor after your entree was sent back to the kitchen only to wait over a half hour before it finally gets to you, sans meat (Rotolo's Ristorante on Decature).
• Do go on the Haunted City Tour (and request Ernie as your guide).
• Do get your palm read by Lola in Jackson Square. She's scarily accurate.
• Do buy a can of coffee with chickory from Cafe du Monde to bring back to your co-workers so they think you care about them.
• Do check that said coffee is Regular, and not Decaf before you land at LaGuardia.

I did have an overall great time in the city, but I think it's a once-in-a-lifetime trek. I am too used to the pace of New York to be completely comfortable with the South.