From Me To You

Sometimes I get those 5-page letters disguised as holiday cards from distant family members (and sometimes even from distant family members of good friends) that outline everything that happened to them in the year since I last received a 5-page letter detailing everything that happened the year prior.

The letters always include a picture of Little Johnny finally using the potty or Granny Wilma at the convalescent home smiling, with a bowl of green Jell-O in her little, arthritic hands.

So this year, I decided to write my own “Catching Up” note to the people I don’t care to contact on a regular basis and let them know how I’m doing:

Wow! What a year! After a serious yeast infection put me out of work for nearly three weeks, my boss decided my position would be better filled by Lisa, a 23 year old recent graduate of “Imawhore U”. But the people at the shelter have been extremely nice to me since my house and car were repossessed after failing to make the payments; Unemployment just doesn’t pay as much as I thought they would. You would think that after paying into the system for nearly 30 years that they would throw me a F&*#^% bone…but anyway.

Uncle Jaime finally got out of prison and we were all at the gates to greet him. Unfortunately, he called the warden a “greasy son of a goat humper” and was promptly back in front of a judge for harassment. Such a card, that Uncle Jaime!

My niece, Cassandra, gave birth to her 4th child on July 19th. We’re still waiting on the paternity test, but we’re pretty sure this one is actually her husband’s.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Also, to my sister, Betsy, who married a Jew three years ago and now has two children and a warm house to go home to with a two-bay garage and a golden retriever named “Buddy” and who is too good to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus – Happy Hanukkah.

Love,

Min

Moral Obligation? I Don't Know What You Mean.

One of the few perks as the Marketing Director of my firm is that usually around "The Holidays" I get thank-yous from clients and businesses who have gained our business through my efforts.

Sometimes the thank-yous are in gift form. This sweeps me into a dilemma: Do I keep the gift for myself (seeing as though it's clearly addressed to me) or do I give it to the Boss because the only reason these people are sending gifts this-a way is because I purchased something from them using the Boss' money?

*Half of the participants I interviewed for my non-scientific poll indicated that keeping the gift would almost be like stealing.

The other half reminded me that I only got a $100 gift certificate to a steak house restaurant after my planning of a $40,000 conference exhibit in Honolulu, HI.

I simply have no soul, so no side is particularly more correct to me in this matter.

*It is important to note that the first half of the participants in this poorly researched study was my left shoe. The other half was my half-eaten bowl of vegetarian udon noodles, which, other than being very tasty, might not really be the best judge of morality.

Jolie Buys Beautiful Children

Oh. My. God. Can this family be any more perfect? But the little white one they created the homemade way seriously screwed my chances of being adopted by Pitt & Jolie. Who needs two blonde, pouty lipped angels?

Welcome Back, Jabba

I was just thinking the other day: "God...you know what this site needs (besides corporate funding)? More Mariah."

And so feast your eyes on the Amazonian hissy-fit-thrower in her signature ugly clothing.

You know I spoil you.

Crash And Burn

As part of a not-so-blind item in Page Six, it was suggested that La Lohan cuts her cocaine with strawberry Quik. What an f'ed up loser; Everyone knows strawberry Quik tastes better in milk.

Page Six also goes on to insinuate that Britney and Paris are going through an experimental phase with one another. All I'm saying is if Britney winds up pregnant again, you only have to go so far as the nearest kinkajou for a paternity test.

Happy Birthday To Me

According to MSN Astrology, all fellow Sagittarians share the following traits:

“Restless, adventuresome, here one minute then off on a tangent the next . . . It's hard to keep our celebrity Sagittarians in one place.And why would we want to? Sagittarians are the wandering gypsies of the Zodiac, the searchers, seekers, and storytellers who walk this world to bring mind-opening and mind-blowing experiences to you. Happy-go-lucky and good-humored, they're the life of every party. These freedom-lovers can also be found in airports, living abroad, or exploring the existential questions of existence.”

I share my stars with the following stars:

Woody Allen (Dec. 1st): Noted pervert who married his adopted daughter.

Britney Spears (Dec. 2nd): Married wannabe Vanilla Ice, deadbeat father of four; currently hangs out with woman whom they will likely name a new strand of Syphilis after (Pari-Syphilis).

Brad Pitt (Dec. 18th): Divorced notorious and talentless Hollywood bitch to playfully chase African babies around the Sahara with the hottest contemporary woman on the planet.

Katie Holmes (Dec. 18th): Brainwashed Xenu worshipper swindled into marrying homosexual, egomaniacal midget.


So yeah...STARS - they're just like us.