Cloe Sevigny: The Ugly Barbie

Brace yourselves...I'm about to compliment Chloe Sevigny, the woman whom I was certain was sent to Earth to become my mortal sartorial enemy.

She still looks like shit, to be sure...but look at those legs! If you just don't look at her from about the waist up, she looks tolerable.

Go Nagoya!

Most of my readers already know, but for those of you who fell through the cracks of my e-mail address book - this post is for you.

I'm leaving on a jetplane.
I don't know when I'll be back again.
Those are the only words to the song I know.
So I guess now I'll make up my own.
I'm moving to Nagoya, Japan.
On June 3rd.
To teach English.
To cute little Japanese children.

There you have it. Once I get there, I might continue this blog. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll start a new one about actually living in Japan. Who knows?

For now, all I'm focused on is selling my crap, getting rid of my apartment and spending as much time with friends and family as possible.

Dear People Magazine:

If you continue to write articles titled "Get The Look! Courtney's Beachwear" while showing actual pictures of Courtney Love in bathingsuits, I am going to have to do something drastic. Like cut myself. You don't want that on your conscience, do you?

A Pox On Chloe Sevigny

Why? Why, Chloe? Why do you insist on showing up in public places looking like a Korean mail order bride, circa 1983?

In fact, why do you insist on showing up in public places at all?

Britney On The Loose

Glad to see that stint in rehab helped you compose yourself, baldy. What the Hell did you dribble over your right boob? It looks like chucky, slightly opaque, liquid cocaine.

Easter: Not As Cool As Christmas

I can respect the ancient tradition of a Spring festival, chock full of fertility rites and sexual innuendo. But then the Christians embraced the holiday and made it into some ridiculous ghost story about the Son of God coming back to life. How can parents possibly reassure little Johnny that zombies aren't real, while telling him that their savior rose from the dead? They should make it more believable by saying to Johnny that unless he's good during the year, Jesus will come back and feed on his flesh while he's sleeping.

So terrific; I get boiled eggs handed to me in a basket with fake, shiny, plastic, green grass that is almost as bad as tinsel: you find a strand of it three months later while you're sweeping. And why the Hell does Easter have to be on a Sunday? I always have Sundays off. The only difference with this Sunday is that I'm obligated to have dinner with my family.

Easter sucks.