Happy Easter

It’s that time of year again; a time when children dance gleefully in the new spring weather, looking for colorful eggs left by the Easter Bunny. Just one more example of how parents fool their stupid children. Eggs don’t come from rabbits, dummy!

Besides the whole “Jesus rising from the dead” miracle thing, what does Easter mean to me? A whole frickin’ month of seeing those damned Peeps confections on the shelves of every supermarket and drugstore across the world.

Just what are Peeps? And who the hell is the brainchild of these abhorrent pastel creations? Min investigates…

Where do they come from?
Just Born, Inc., “candy” plant in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania: site for the manufacturing of Peeps, and secret Biological Warfare Chemicals Plant for Osama Bin Laden.

Just how are they made?
A mixture of marshmallow, sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, and crack are whipped into a marshmallowy goo that will become the shaped “candy” figures. Apparently a few years ago the plant ran into some trouble when the Professor accidentally added a secret ingredient – CHEMICAL X – into the vat and the “candy” became possessed with mystical flying-fire-from-the-eyes super powers. (Don’t you people watch The Powerpuff Girls?)

What colors the crystallized coating of Peeps?
All crack starts out white. Food coloring is added through a little arm outside the barrel belonging to Clay, the magical Easter gnome. The barrel rotates like a cement mixer to color all the crack.

Spreading the crack
Crack is loaded into a spreader by hand. The spreader distributes the crack all across the conveyor belt that the “candy” will ride during production.

Fun Fact
Just Born, Inc., produces 1.2 billion marshmallow goodies each year for all occasions at which parents want to introduce narcotics to their youngsters. The plant’s amoeba-shaped “candy” doesn’t sell quite as well as the ever-popular bunnies and chicks.

Are Peeps handmade or machine-made?
Human hands would simply melt off if they touched the uncoated “candy”, so it’s assumed that Peeps are made by machines. However, no photos are allowed of the machinery that actually pumps the marshmallow into the right shape. That's top secret. So it’s safe to also assume that the machinery is made out of illegal aliens and Cuban refugees.

Recycling the Crack
The crack-coated "candies" slide off a solid conveyor belt on to a grated one that lets extra crack fall through. That crack will be reused because the factory pays off the FDA to “look the other way”.

What are those creepy little beads on the “candy’s” heads?
Tiny dots of edible wax. Seriously.

Where are Peeps shipped?
The packaged “candy” is placed in cardboard boxes for shipping. The crack “candies” are smuggled into 30 countries around the world.

Fun Fact
Just Born is named for Sam Born, who grew up in Russia and came to America in 1910. He started his business with a small “candy” shop in New York City, and soon became the drug overlord for the Russian mafia until his retirement to Bethlehem, PA in 1946.

*This information was grossly modified from the following link:
http://att.bhg.com/bhg/printableStory.jhtml;jsessionid=QOIYMRFSY3AN3QFIBQSCCZQ?storyid=/templatedata/bhg/story/data/Howmarshmallowpeepsareborn_02252004.xml&catref=HK225

My article is completely false, but much funnier than the original. Aslo, yeah, I know...this is re-hashed from last year, but I think highly of myself and my new fans deserve it.