Run Down

Because I haven't felt like posting for the past week or so, and I am continually becoming more apathetic to the plights and wonders of the celebrity world, I'm going to do a quick run down of what is happening at Hollywood High, thereby satisfying you greedy bastards with minimal effort on my part.

* Britney Spears dropped by the Urgent Care unit of a Malibu hospital after the first day of taping her guest appearance on an upcoming episode of Will & Grace, apparently for "stomach cramps". Her presumably high-paid mouthpiece explained to tabloids that she had a cold. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that said mouthpiece failed her "The Art of Lying 101" course at Publicity School. Also, I am going to hope that this little trip to the hospital isn't indicative of Ms. Spears' plan to add to her dysfunctional brood, and that Karen and Jack secretly replaced her "water" with "Clorox" and told her it was "Expensive French Stuff" instead.

* Mariah Carey is still fat.

* Paris Hilton was pelted with flour at a red carpet event for some designer with a penchant for dressing like Sgt. Pepper (See above photo). The conspirators were insane members of PETA who actually think throwing flour on people will stop them from featuring the dead rotting flesh of animals in their couture. How about throwing all of the scrap leftovers that the tanners didn't use? Like the spleen. I've never seen a spleen jacket or a pair of patent gall bladder shoes.

* Paris Hilton is supposedly single after the tranquilizer dart was accidentally removed from her second Greek billionaire-heir and he took off faster than a confused straight man waking up in the bed of his best dude after a night of heavy drinking.

* Paris Hilton is still an attention-seeking whore, as she has taken up three separate bullets on this update page.

* Life & Style magazine has reported that Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes have supposedly split. It may have also gone into detail about how Kate Holmes is actually carrying the cloned fetus of L. Ron Hubbard, inserted via turkey baster (as I mentioned at the beginning of Fetus Watch 2005/2006: TomKat). But I may have made that up. But I definitely think there was something in there about Tom Cruise allegedly being gay and having a Vietnamese lover. Or not. I just don't want to get sued. Or eaten by Xenu.

* Sex tapes of Scott Stapp and Kid Rock are being picked up by Red Light District, the company that featured the almost critically acclaimed One Night In Paris featurette. Lest you be confused, I will clarify that the sex tapes are separate and feature the...um...stars(?)...getting it on with separate lucky females. Which brings me to my first question: why were they created? Second question: why are they being released to be sold for money? The last thing I want to see is night vision footage of Stapp's ginormous chin digging into unidentified crevices and Kid Rock's coked out groupie using his greasy body as a Slip n' Slide to get to the mini bar on the other end of the tour bus.

*Update on Sex tape scandal. Umm...so it appears that it actually is just a single tape, featuring both Stapp and Kid Rock. And all I have to say about that is...ewwwwww. It's apparently from a few years ago when the two were touring together. You know, when both of them actually had careers.