Crash And Burn

As part of a not-so-blind item in Page Six, it was suggested that La Lohan cuts her cocaine with strawberry Quik. What an f'ed up loser; Everyone knows strawberry Quik tastes better in milk.

Page Six also goes on to insinuate that Britney and Paris are going through an experimental phase with one another. All I'm saying is if Britney winds up pregnant again, you only have to go so far as the nearest kinkajou for a paternity test.

Dear Hollywood High

Starlets, meet Scarlett. She'll be prettier than you no matter how much plastic surgery you undergo, and she'll get parts over you no matter how many producers you screw.

Why she sleeps with a man with one long eyebrow when she could sit on a shelf at my house is beyond me. I mean, I'd feed her and stuff. I'd brush her hair. The masking tape is just so she doesn't call the police. Again.