Paris Mantis Struts Her Tranny Stuff

What up, bitches?! It's me, your favorite wookie-eyed tranny! In ski goggles! And yellow pants that actually have the ability to make my malnourished, Red Bull fueled corpse look fat and show off a raging case of camel toe!

But seriously you guys, I'm here for the message. 2 B Free wants its fans to know that they have the freedom to wear clothing. And not just any clothing, because some clothing isn't as hot as other clothing. And then sometimes when I'm hot I don't like wearing any clothing, but not "hot" as in "oh my God, Nicole, those ski goggles look hot on you", but more like, "oh my God, Nicole, it's so hot outside that if I wear clothing I'm going to start sweating and it will majorly start streaking my Mystic Tan".

Umm...what was I saying?

I wonder if Baby Luv will think my hair is trying to attack him and he'll bite me again...

Crash And Burn

As part of a not-so-blind item in Page Six, it was suggested that La Lohan cuts her cocaine with strawberry Quik. What an f'ed up loser; Everyone knows strawberry Quik tastes better in milk.

Page Six also goes on to insinuate that Britney and Paris are going through an experimental phase with one another. All I'm saying is if Britney winds up pregnant again, you only have to go so far as the nearest kinkajou for a paternity test.

Wookie Strikes Again

I once had a math teacher in 6th grade with a glass eye. He could look in two opposite directions of the classroom at the same time, much like the Wookie-eyed tranny shown at the left, here.

My point is, Mr. Hlavenski could remove his lazy glass eye as a party trick and Paris Hilton is invited to the AMA's.

Recap

I've been slacking in my Celebrity Gossip so I'll try to catch you up to speed.

*Madonna steals black babies from Africa claiming they're orphans, when in fact they have living parents.

*Britney Spears' baby is named Jayden James Federline which is infinitely more hideous than Sutton Pierce, even if Sutton reminds me of Mutton, a dish the child will most likely never sample after being raised on a steady diet of corn syrup and hot dogs.

*Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are reportedly getting married in Italy on November 18th. Katie will wear Armani. And in true Scientology Wedding Ceremony tradition, Tom Cruise will catch the bouquet and cry on his gay Vietnamese lover's shoulder about how amazing Xenu is.

*Naomi Campbell was arrested on - SHOCKER - assault charges filed by her own drug counselor. More intriguing than how she can get away with continually beating the help is how she still has a modeling career at the age of 37. Modern science. Marvelous!

*Really old news - Paris Mantis and La Chupacabra AND Firecrotch LaLohan have appeared to reconcile their petty grievances, a la Mean Girls. I'm confused...which one can tell if it's raining by looking at her nipples?

Bully Blogging

Puff informed me that I am to update the blog with the following information:

House of Carters: I had seen this clip last week and it is reality TV gold. Nick Carter whines about his little brother, Aaron, whoring around with Blonde Tranny Hilton. Get some popcorn and watch!

Blonde Tranny Hilton and Star Jones' anorexic twin have reconciled their petty Hollywood High catfight. If you recall, Richie allegedly showed Hilton's sex tape "One Night in Paris" to a group of people when Hilton was asked to host SNL without the petite rat/sidekick. I guess Paris is OK with people watching the tape, as long as they're willing to pay her for it.

In other news, there is nothing more grotesque than hearing your fat co-worker in the stall next to you in the rest room squeezing out a fresh stink-stick:

"MMMmmmm....*plop*....*plop, plop*....ahhhhhhh....."

Open Up

The world is turning upside down. First Paris Hilton gets punched by an ex-Playboy Playmate and now a Janet Jackson reveals she has a vagina in her cleavage. Crazy, I tell you!

Paris Hilton Arrested

Dear God,

I'm sorry I said you didn't exist. Obviously, with Paris Hilton's recent arrest for DUI, you're trying to tell me I'm a lost little sheep, and I should come home. Thank you, God. I'm sorry again for doubting you.

Also, I would like a pink My Little Pony complete with brush set for Christmas this year.

-Min

*Picture of Paris crying after being denied entrance to popular night club Bungalow 8 in NYC last Thursday.

I Didn't See That Coming

Steve Irwin, "The Crocodile Hunter", was killed in a "freak accident", when a sting ray stabbed its barbed tail into the famed nature conservationist's heart. He was filming a documentary about the Great Barrier Reef off the coast of Australia; the death was caught on camera and the tape is currently in the possession of police. Though he dangled his baby in front of a giant crocodile as part of a demonstration at his ranch, I think God took it a little too seriously. I mean, Paris Hilton has infected hundreds of people with STD's, and she's still alive.

I Want All For Christmas

Most people start freaking out about this time in December because they don't know what to get their loved ones. I know you're all probably waking up in cold sweats at the thought of there only being 10 days until Christmas and Hanukkah (11 until Kwanzaa, but who the Hell really celebrates that anyway?), and you still haven't found me a gift. Fear not; I've compiled a list of what you, my doting fans, can buy (procure, steal...whatever works) for me this festive holiday season.

• Diamonds
• Magic that absorbs any excess fat from my body and transfers it to Paris Hilton, whereby causing my ass to fit into a size 4 (and simultaneously morphing Paris Hilton into something other than an overgrown praying mantis. Aren't I like, totally NOT selfish??)
• Magic that lets me eat as much food as I want and miraculously maintain a size 4
• Did I mention diamonds?
• A red Mini-Cooper S Automatic and Manual transmission (yes they have it, look for yourself) with white hood, white side mirrors, white hubcaps and white bonnet stripes, black leather interior, GPS system and dual panel moonroof. Oh, and cupholders. I loves me some cupholders.
• A koala (take THAT, you Tinkerbell/monkey bear/ferret owning bug-whore!)

Thanksgiving With The Stars

Ah…Thanksgiving. A time to celebrate family, great food and the ceremonial “unzipping of the pants in front of the tube”. I know I like a good pants unzipping, boy howdy! Since my family is about as normal as you can get (you know, a fist fight with my brother here, a little sloppy-drunken confession there…) I decided to extrapolate how two of my favorite stars spend their holiday, based solely upon conjecture and those really accurate newspaper articles (like, from the UK's The Sun).

The Spears-Federlines:

Britney: “MAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Paaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwww! Jamie Lynn! Break out the Cheetos, y’all! Cletus and the baby and me are staaaaaaaaaaarving. God, I haven’t eaten in like…2 hours.

Cletus: “B, you made me stop at the MacDonald’s down the road 10 minutes ago because you said you needed a little snack.”

Britney: “Oh my gawd, y’all! Do I smell gravy?! Here, Jamie Lynn – take Sean. Preston. Whatever the hell it’s name is. I need some foooooooood!

Jamie Lynn: “Um, sis? Where is the baby?”

Britney: “Wha..? Oh! He’s in his carrying case. See, it’s made of fur, so it’s really like, comforting and womb-like! And when he cries, I just zip the bag closed and that’s that. Plus the papperatsi...popperoatsey? The mean people with cameras can never see him...Oh LORD! Is that Mama’s green bean casserole!?”

The Hiltons

Paris: “Why can’t Baby Luv and Tinkerbell eat at the grown-up table?”

Min: “Because you’re retarded. Now shut the Hell up and eat your God-damned turkey. And so help me God put down that Red Bull or I’ll kick your boney, misshapen little ass. Paris. Paris! Put that monkey bear thing down! It might catch one of your STD's.”

I think I finally understand Paris Hilton's problem.

"You need fat to produce your hormones," says Beverly Whipple, professor emeritus at Rutgers University and president of the World Association for Sexology. "Cholesterol is metabolized in the liver, and you get your testosterone and estrogen, which you need for your sex drive."

Because she subsists mainly on a diet of Red Bull and cheese, and therefore very little fat, she has essentially become a hollow shell with a vagina. Which would be kind of like a guy poking a wooden sex doll. With splinters.

In nearly related news: Paris Hilton now owns a monkey? No, really...she does. Which completely makes sense because her pets have always kind of been hideous, right? Tinkerbell. That smelly ferret...Nicole Richie. And now a monkey. That's hot.

Paris Loves The Police

Everyone's favorite transvestite-wookie-eyed-attention whore, Paris Hilton and Greek boyfriend (No, the new one. He's a shipping heir, too. No, I don't know if Greece's Gross National Product is greasy-haired boyfriends for Paris Hilton) were in a hit-and-run car accident early yesterday morning. Aparently, "hit-and-run" and "driving while intoxicated" don't mean much if you've ever been featured in an amateur, night-vision home sex video.

Blank Slate

My take on Paris Hilton has always been that she is quite mannish - dare I say transvestite like. Therefore, when my friend Puff told me he dressed as the aforementioned, famous-for-no-good-reason whore for Halloween, it didn't surprise me much. Nor did it surprise me that he looked much hotter than Ms. Hilton. But I digress. Per Puff's suggestion, I've decided to start my own blog.

Those of you visiting who previously received my updates via e-mail, welcome to the new format. Those of you who have no idea what I am referring to, I'll be setting up archives shortly so you don't feel left out. In any event, check back regularly for updates.