Recap

I've been slacking in my Celebrity Gossip so I'll try to catch you up to speed.

*Madonna steals black babies from Africa claiming they're orphans, when in fact they have living parents.

*Britney Spears' baby is named Jayden James Federline which is infinitely more hideous than Sutton Pierce, even if Sutton reminds me of Mutton, a dish the child will most likely never sample after being raised on a steady diet of corn syrup and hot dogs.

*Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are reportedly getting married in Italy on November 18th. Katie will wear Armani. And in true Scientology Wedding Ceremony tradition, Tom Cruise will catch the bouquet and cry on his gay Vietnamese lover's shoulder about how amazing Xenu is.

*Naomi Campbell was arrested on - SHOCKER - assault charges filed by her own drug counselor. More intriguing than how she can get away with continually beating the help is how she still has a modeling career at the age of 37. Modern science. Marvelous!

*Really old news - Paris Mantis and La Chupacabra AND Firecrotch LaLohan have appeared to reconcile their petty grievances, a la Mean Girls. I'm confused...which one can tell if it's raining by looking at her nipples?

Bully Blogging

Puff informed me that I am to update the blog with the following information:

House of Carters: I had seen this clip last week and it is reality TV gold. Nick Carter whines about his little brother, Aaron, whoring around with Blonde Tranny Hilton. Get some popcorn and watch!

Blonde Tranny Hilton and Star Jones' anorexic twin have reconciled their petty Hollywood High catfight. If you recall, Richie allegedly showed Hilton's sex tape "One Night in Paris" to a group of people when Hilton was asked to host SNL without the petite rat/sidekick. I guess Paris is OK with people watching the tape, as long as they're willing to pay her for it.

In other news, there is nothing more grotesque than hearing your fat co-worker in the stall next to you in the rest room squeezing out a fresh stink-stick:

"MMMmmmm....*plop*....*plop, plop*....ahhhhhhh....."

I think I finally understand Paris Hilton's problem.

"You need fat to produce your hormones," says Beverly Whipple, professor emeritus at Rutgers University and president of the World Association for Sexology. "Cholesterol is metabolized in the liver, and you get your testosterone and estrogen, which you need for your sex drive."

Because she subsists mainly on a diet of Red Bull and cheese, and therefore very little fat, she has essentially become a hollow shell with a vagina. Which would be kind of like a guy poking a wooden sex doll. With splinters.

In nearly related news: Paris Hilton now owns a monkey? No, really...she does. Which completely makes sense because her pets have always kind of been hideous, right? Tinkerbell. That smelly ferret...Nicole Richie. And now a monkey. That's hot.