Lookin' Good

Oh my God, you guys. I don't want you to be alarmed, but I think Kevin Federline ate one of his children. I always thought it would be Britney, but even Cynic can be wrong once in a lifetime.

Oh well...he still has like, 8 left. No one's going to miss one.

Tres Sheikh

This chick is totally nutters. She looks like she's off to a Muslim Roller Derby, not a date with the Stairmaster.

Britney On The Loose

Glad to see that stint in rehab helped you compose yourself, baldy. What the Hell did you dribble over your right boob? It looks like chucky, slightly opaque, liquid cocaine.

Crash And Burn

As part of a not-so-blind item in Page Six, it was suggested that La Lohan cuts her cocaine with strawberry Quik. What an f'ed up loser; Everyone knows strawberry Quik tastes better in milk.

Page Six also goes on to insinuate that Britney and Paris are going through an experimental phase with one another. All I'm saying is if Britney winds up pregnant again, you only have to go so far as the nearest kinkajou for a paternity test.

Happy Birthday To Me

According to MSN Astrology, all fellow Sagittarians share the following traits:

“Restless, adventuresome, here one minute then off on a tangent the next . . . It's hard to keep our celebrity Sagittarians in one place.And why would we want to? Sagittarians are the wandering gypsies of the Zodiac, the searchers, seekers, and storytellers who walk this world to bring mind-opening and mind-blowing experiences to you. Happy-go-lucky and good-humored, they're the life of every party. These freedom-lovers can also be found in airports, living abroad, or exploring the existential questions of existence.”

I share my stars with the following stars:

Woody Allen (Dec. 1st): Noted pervert who married his adopted daughter.

Britney Spears (Dec. 2nd): Married wannabe Vanilla Ice, deadbeat father of four; currently hangs out with woman whom they will likely name a new strand of Syphilis after (Pari-Syphilis).

Brad Pitt (Dec. 18th): Divorced notorious and talentless Hollywood bitch to playfully chase African babies around the Sahara with the hottest contemporary woman on the planet.

Katie Holmes (Dec. 18th): Brainwashed Xenu worshipper swindled into marrying homosexual, egomaniacal midget.


So yeah...STARS - they're just like us.

Happy Birthday

This Saturday marks a momentous day: I turn 1/4 of a century old. But December 2nd means so much more to the world than just my birthday. Indeed, it is the day the Universe welcomed Britney Spears into its fold. Yes, the Lord giveth, and now we just have to wait for Him to taketh. Please...God...taketh.

Second Levishitkus 3:14, from the Chronicles of Min

"And Lo! Min was born. And she was good - in an evil way. And she was given the power to smite celebrities with her wit and it was good. And worshipers came from all lands to celebrate the birth of Her, bringing shiny things that smelled of diamonds. It was pretty kick-ass."

Britney Sheds 200 lbs, Husband

I have two friends that are currently in a tiff over something really silly. They’re not talking to each other, and in fact, they seem to go out of their way to pretend each never existed. What they don’t realize is they’re made for each other, and that I would be surprised and disappointed if they let their special bond dissolve.

Britney, I know K-Fed (or “Fed-Ex” as the painfully smart people at several gossip columns have now dubbed him) once left a tube of K-Y in his pants pockets and when the maid threw them in the dryer they got all over Sean Preston’s and whatever-the-other-one’s-name-is’ onesies. But at least he had the decency to take out all the receipts from the strip clubs; you know how the lint from paper gets all over the clothes – what a mess!

And Kevin…you’re totally going to be a douche bag on the side of the road holding a sign saying “Will Let You Pee On Me 4 Grey Goose” (as opposed to just being a douche bag in a $35 million Beverly Hills estate) if you don’t drag ass back to your baby mama, like, yesterday.

Now fucking kiss and make up, this retarded attempt at publicity is ruining Tom and Katie’s nuptials.

Recap

I've been slacking in my Celebrity Gossip so I'll try to catch you up to speed.

*Madonna steals black babies from Africa claiming they're orphans, when in fact they have living parents.

*Britney Spears' baby is named Jayden James Federline which is infinitely more hideous than Sutton Pierce, even if Sutton reminds me of Mutton, a dish the child will most likely never sample after being raised on a steady diet of corn syrup and hot dogs.

*Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are reportedly getting married in Italy on November 18th. Katie will wear Armani. And in true Scientology Wedding Ceremony tradition, Tom Cruise will catch the bouquet and cry on his gay Vietnamese lover's shoulder about how amazing Xenu is.

*Naomi Campbell was arrested on - SHOCKER - assault charges filed by her own drug counselor. More intriguing than how she can get away with continually beating the help is how she still has a modeling career at the age of 37. Modern science. Marvelous!

*Really old news - Paris Mantis and La Chupacabra AND Firecrotch LaLohan have appeared to reconcile their petty grievances, a la Mean Girls. I'm confused...which one can tell if it's raining by looking at her nipples?

I'm Not Dead, Just Really Busy

Work is insane and I'm not liking it right now. Seriously...job offers pour forth. *Ahem...Page Six...cough, cough*

I'll write when I have a chance/I'm in a better mood/Britney accidentally kills one of her children.

In the meantime, check out Ghetto Bitch. I like them.

Thanksgiving With The Stars

Ah…Thanksgiving. A time to celebrate family, great food and the ceremonial “unzipping of the pants in front of the tube”. I know I like a good pants unzipping, boy howdy! Since my family is about as normal as you can get (you know, a fist fight with my brother here, a little sloppy-drunken confession there…) I decided to extrapolate how two of my favorite stars spend their holiday, based solely upon conjecture and those really accurate newspaper articles (like, from the UK's The Sun).

The Spears-Federlines:

Britney: “MAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Paaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwww! Jamie Lynn! Break out the Cheetos, y’all! Cletus and the baby and me are staaaaaaaaaaarving. God, I haven’t eaten in like…2 hours.

Cletus: “B, you made me stop at the MacDonald’s down the road 10 minutes ago because you said you needed a little snack.”

Britney: “Oh my gawd, y’all! Do I smell gravy?! Here, Jamie Lynn – take Sean. Preston. Whatever the hell it’s name is. I need some foooooooood!

Jamie Lynn: “Um, sis? Where is the baby?”

Britney: “Wha..? Oh! He’s in his carrying case. See, it’s made of fur, so it’s really like, comforting and womb-like! And when he cries, I just zip the bag closed and that’s that. Plus the papperatsi...popperoatsey? The mean people with cameras can never see him...Oh LORD! Is that Mama’s green bean casserole!?”

The Hiltons

Paris: “Why can’t Baby Luv and Tinkerbell eat at the grown-up table?”

Min: “Because you’re retarded. Now shut the Hell up and eat your God-damned turkey. And so help me God put down that Red Bull or I’ll kick your boney, misshapen little ass. Paris. Paris! Put that monkey bear thing down! It might catch one of your STD's.”

Flappin In The Wind

Two words. Miracle. Bra. Someone please tell this trailer park dwelling rat that no one watnts to see her saucer sized nips. I felt so dirty after looking at these pictures that I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the Clorox and a Brillo Pad and scrubbed my eyes for an hour. I'm blind now. But the physical pain detracts from the mental image of the Nerple Queen. Also I can get a special parking pass at the grocery store now. So I have that going for me.

Dentist - Round Dos

Ok, ok...so imagine my surprise when I'm sitting in the dentist's chair (you know the one...with the evil mechanical arm holding all of the deadly needles and rat poison?) and I hear the hygienist say "So did you hear that Britney kicked Kevin out?"

At this point, I get that weird feeling I used to get seeing my 2nd grade teacher out in public. Like, you have a life outside of torturing people? Amazing! More amazing, and probably very sad for me, is I just got celebrity gossip from the dental hygienist.

The above pics of Brit and Cletus Mc K-Fed really hold no relevance to the post, except for the fact that I love pointing out how hideous the pair really is. As a side note, the Cletus pictures are of him having his credit card rejected at Blockbuster. Karma's a bitch, huh?