Most people start freaking out about this time in December because they don't know what to get their loved ones. I know you're all probably waking up in cold sweats at the thought of there only being 10 days until Christmas and Hanukkah (11 until Kwanzaa, but who the Hell really celebrates that anyway?), and you still haven't found me a gift. Fear not; I've compiled a list of what you, my doting fans, can buy (procure, steal...whatever works) for me this festive holiday season.
- Diamonds
- Magic that absorbs any excess fat from my body and transfers it to Paris Hilton, whereby causing my ass to fit into a size 4 (and simultaneously morphing Paris Hilton into something other than an overgrown praying mantis. Aren't I like, totally NOT selfish??)
- Magic that lets me eat as much food as I want and miraculously maintain a size 4
- Did I mention diamonds?
- A red Mini-Cooper S Automatic and Manual transmission (yes they have it, look for yourself) with white hood, white side mirrors, white hubcaps and white bonnet stripes, black leather interior, GPS system and dual panel moonroof. Oh, and cupholders. I loves me some cupholders.
- A koala (take THAT, you Tinkerbell/monkey bear/ferret owning bug-whore!)
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