Saturday, September 19, 2009

Fashion Week

It's always Fashion Week at Cynic.

Yaaaay POPTUB.

Ho Hum

Listen Audrina Patridge, I don't know who you are, and I don't care. Whatever reality TV cesspool you climbed out of, you can jump right back in. Your bleached teeth, mystic tan, fake boobs and dead eyes bore me. And the fact that your pinky toes stick out of your strappy sandals like some vestigial tentacles scares me.

Look Lively

Ha! You see what I did there? With the title? Look lively, get it! Because she looks like a corpse.

Maaaaan, you must have really pissed off People for them to publish that one.

Confession a la Cynic

Mary-Kate Olsen has always bothered me a little. I never knew why until I looked at this photo. It's not her apparent lack of hygiene, nor is it the fact that she looks like she's in her late 30's when in fact she's just pushing 22. I dislike her because she always looks constipated.

There. I said it. I hate constipated people.

To wit: Look here. And here. Here. Here. Should I go on?

You Look Like You Smell Like Mothballs

Cate Blanchett is an amazing and very handsome actress with perfect looking skin. Now that we're finished with pleasantries...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT, KATE? It looks like you raided my Nana's linen chest and slipped on the first afghan that struck your clearly insane fancy. You look like the love child of The Brady Bunch and this creepy dude.

There is literally no redeeming quality about your outfit, as I'm not even particularly in love with the shoes.

Don't disappoint me again.

Oh, Honey...No

Jennifer, I never watched American Idol, but I seem to recall you winning a particular season of it. I also know that you were in Dream Girls, but to be honest, I never cared to watch that either. You may or may not have won an award for said role in said movie; I'm too lazy to fact check.

According to People you recently gave birth; congratulations...I had no idea that you were pregnant.

But it comes down to this, sweetie: although you are amazingly beautiful and have a ginormous, kick-ass rack, your choice of intergalactic threads is a mistake at best. And pairing the space suit with those boots is absolutely unforgivable.

Seriously, though...your boobs are FABULOUS! I'm not even a lesbian and I just want to plant my face in your cleavage. Good on you.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Engrish in Japan

I lived in Nagoya, Japan for two years. It was an amazing experience and I really feel lucky to have been able to do something like that.

Of course, as you might imagine, sometimes things were lost in translation (great movie, go watch it). I've updated with a few of my favorite photos that encapsulate daily life as an ex-pat. They're nothing special, but they stopped me in my tracks each time.

Without further ado...

Engrish Very Funny

One of my favorite signs was found at a monkey park in Inuyama, Japan.

Do not touch monkeys. EVER.

Thank you for your manner. You are so welcome.

Ride 'Im Cowboy

Random statue on the streets of Takayama, Japan. Lightly-endowed Asian riding a carp. Naturally.

Japanese Fertility Festival. As Fun As You Might Think It Would Be.

Is that a penis around your neck or are you just ha...oh. Oh, it is a penis. Well, then. Carry on.

Nice Melons

You've all heard of the ridiculously priced melons in's the proof. A $40 melon. These are "elite" fruit, used as gifts.

All I'm saying is this better be one tasty piece of fruit. Like, Garden Of Eden, Sins of Man, calibre.

The writing says: Masuku Meron, or Mask Melon. Or Musk Melon. Neither of the titles makes much sense to me...but that's what it says.

What Are You Looking At?

Psssst. Hey. Hey you! Yeah, you. C'mere...

On Top Of Mt. Fuji

It was freezing. Below zero and the sun wasn't even above the horizon. I hadn't slept, and it took nearly 8 hours to get to the top. I was grumpy, to say the least. When the shops opened at 4 a.m. (oh, yeah, there are souvenir shops and food stalls on the sacred Fuji-san), I bolted inside for a chance to warm up on a tiny bowl of $10 udon noodles. It was a small price to pay for the opportunity to get feeling in my fingers again.

As the sun peaked above the clouds I looked over to my right where other climbers were milling about, excited that we were all partaking in a once-in-a-lifetime zen moment. And then I saw it. A vending machine lit up like a Las Vegas Christmas tree. Five bucks for a cold green tea. Sacred, my ass.

To be fair, being on top of the mountain to see the sun come up was one of the highlights of my life thus far. The pictures don't even do it justice.

Yeah, sure. Why not.

Stumbling home one evening from a drunken stint at a local karaoke joint, I looked up to see Gee!Store. WonderGoo.

And I couldn't help but wonder...what do they sell? Unfortunately, I couldn't find the store again once I was sober.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Everyone Hates Jessica Simpson

Further proving that God has a personal vendetta against JSimp, People reports the aging, crappy-pop-singer-turned-overeater's-anonymous-country-"star" was witness to her Ewok maltipoo, Daisy, getting munched on by a coyote.

Simpson declared on her Twitter page, "my heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping."

So, to recap, not content just to see Jessica's career wiped off the face of the Earth, God has now upped the ante.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Imaginary Bitches

I audibly snorted during a laugh while watching this.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

I Got Friends In Cool Places

Many thanks to my best continental friend, Callie, for sending me yummy German candies.

Like Haribo Primavera: Fruchtig, softig, beerig gut! Yes. Yes they are.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Open Letter

Dear Job Market:

You suck.

Best wishes on a speedy recovery,

P.S. - You're not invited to my birthday party.

Monday, September 07, 2009

State Fair of Texas Serves Up Food To Die For...Literally, Your Heart Will Stop If You Eat This Shit

The State Fair of Texas is a mere 17 days away for the Lonestar State. You can bet I'll be there to gaze on the herds of grotesquely overweight people as they gorge themselves on...well, just about anything dipped in batter and served swimming in oil.

The Big Tex Choice Awards contest evaluates new concession stand entrants and their artery-clogging wares, sampling each of the foods before finally coming to a decision on two categories: Best Taste and Most Creative. The past few years winners, along with this year's lucky gourmands include the following:

2005 Most Creative Viva Las Vegas FRIED Ice Cream
2005 Best Taste FRIED PB, Jelly and Banana Sandwich
2006 Most Creative FRIED Coke
2006 Best Taste FRIED Praline Perfection
2007 Most Creative Deep FRIED Latte
2007 Best Taste Texas FRIED Cookie Dough
2008 Most Creative FRIED Banana Split
2008 Best Taste Chicken FRIED Bacon
2009 Most Creative Deep FRIED BUTTER (Editor's note: Are you fucking serious?!)
2009 Best Taste Fernie's Deep FRIED Peaches & Cream

You fat bastards.

*That's a picture of the chicken fried bacon.