Just a quick re-cap of Christmas. My other half's (halves???) grotesquely obese and hairy double-chinned mother sent us a Christmas card again this year. Instead of just throwing it away like I usually do (I get tired of the free "Jesus Loves You" booklets she sends to us, courtesy of TBN, some red-state, T-vangelical, hick-cult), I opened it. And after throwing away the free "Jesus Loves You" booklet and reading the card, which was signed "I forgive you; isn't it time to move on?", but without the semi-colon because I doubt she even knows what one is, let alone how to use it properly in a sentence, two gift cards fell out of the crumpled envelope.
Holy shit. She sent gift cards? She actually got her fat ass out of her 1992 silver Dodge Caravan and stepped her tree-trunk sized calves into a store to buy a gift card?
I start to question if you can order gift cards over the phone, when I flip over the gift cards to see where they are redeemable.
Oh, God...you're joking. Dunkin' Donuts? Oh good lordy, sweet mother of fuckin' Jesus above in heaven. They're for $5 each. Hey, Big Spendah!
Why couldn't she get me what I really wanted? An obituary in the newspaper with her name on it.
And before you random people start chastising me for this...all I have to say is...this woman truly and honest to God is the closest thing to Satan you could possibly imagine. And that's why we don't talk to her. That and she has a hairy double chin to the nth.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
In other words, you're basically saying: Um...Osama, do you take requests?
Post a Comment