Recap

I've been slacking in my Celebrity Gossip so I'll try to catch you up to speed.

*Madonna steals black babies from Africa claiming they're orphans, when in fact they have living parents.

*Britney Spears' baby is named Jayden James Federline which is infinitely more hideous than Sutton Pierce, even if Sutton reminds me of Mutton, a dish the child will most likely never sample after being raised on a steady diet of corn syrup and hot dogs.

*Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are reportedly getting married in Italy on November 18th. Katie will wear Armani. And in true Scientology Wedding Ceremony tradition, Tom Cruise will catch the bouquet and cry on his gay Vietnamese lover's shoulder about how amazing Xenu is.

*Naomi Campbell was arrested on - SHOCKER - assault charges filed by her own drug counselor. More intriguing than how she can get away with continually beating the help is how she still has a modeling career at the age of 37. Modern science. Marvelous!

*Really old news - Paris Mantis and La Chupacabra AND Firecrotch LaLohan have appeared to reconcile their petty grievances, a la Mean Girls. I'm confused...which one can tell if it's raining by looking at her nipples?