Britney Sheds 200 lbs, Husband

I have two friends that are currently in a tiff over something really silly. They’re not talking to each other, and in fact, they seem to go out of their way to pretend each never existed. What they don’t realize is they’re made for each other, and that I would be surprised and disappointed if they let their special bond dissolve.

Britney, I know K-Fed (or “Fed-Ex” as the painfully smart people at several gossip columns have now dubbed him) once left a tube of K-Y in his pants pockets and when the maid threw them in the dryer they got all over Sean Preston’s and whatever-the-other-one’s-name-is’ onesies. But at least he had the decency to take out all the receipts from the strip clubs; you know how the lint from paper gets all over the clothes – what a mess!

And Kevin…you’re totally going to be a douche bag on the side of the road holding a sign saying “Will Let You Pee On Me 4 Grey Goose” (as opposed to just being a douche bag in a $35 million Beverly Hills estate) if you don’t drag ass back to your baby mama, like, yesterday.

Now fucking kiss and make up, this retarded attempt at publicity is ruining Tom and Katie’s nuptials.