From Galway, With Love

Just a quick post to let everyone know I'm alive and well. Disliking European keyboards at the moment, but I'll get over it.

Having a great time. Wish you were here. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

• Driving on the "wrong" side of the road has been fun; I might have more difficulty switching back.
• I caught a cold the first day here; on top of jetlag, fever and cold/wet weather, happy thoughts of ending my life crossed my mind. I was reassured by locals that it's a common feeling among tourists.
• I was asked today if world maps printed in the US featured our country in the middle of the map. Though an odd question, a good one just the same. My response was "Not yet".
• Met some Tazmanian's, Mr. W.
• Sorry, Puff. No hotties to note, as of yet.
• Met some terrific people that you'll hear more about. I'm currently spending the night at Mariosa's (For free! Woo hoo!) - a juggler by trade. She's good people. And I'm using her internet service, so I should probably get going.

Talk to y'all soon.

Kate Moss Is One Lucky Gal

This is honestly the best looking I've ever seen Pete Dougherty. And that's kind of sad. You know...because he's a man. And he's wearing a dress and push-up bra.

This is apparently at a show in Germany, sometime after smoking what looked like a crack pipe, and sometime before smearing on red lipstick and writhing around on stage crying about how his daddy hates him.

Ugly Doesn't Do Her Justice

So I had to post this picture. Just more proof that Paris Mantis really is a wookie-eyed transvestite.

Cynic's On Vacation

Though technically I don't leave for Ireland until Sunday, I've already checked out mentally. At this point, I'm doing my work by wrote. That's not to say I'm not working; I've been logging 10 hour or more days due to a conference I'm planning in Honolulu (and yet somehow don't get to attend...). I'm so stressed that last night on the way home I started crying on the highway because I forgot my Burrito con frijoles sin grasa y queso at work that I had planned on eating for lunch and for reasons that escape me didn't fit in the time to actually ingest it and subsequently had my heart set on eating it for dinner. And since I would have rather poked bamboo shoots into my nail beds than go back to the office to get it, I was S.O.L.

I've been out of touch with people I enjoy keeping in contact with, thus I am going to cheat a little by including a note to each person (in no order of preference, so don't get your knickers in a twist):

• Nan - happy B-day; love you lots and wish you a terrific celebration. The 28th is a good day!
• Mr. W - happy belated B-day. I'm disappointed somehow that I missed it.
• Kate, my English/Canadian blogger - nice office!
• Aislinn - build up your alcohol tolerance for our impending NYC spree.
• Madre - don't kill my ferret while I'm away.
• Puff - It's all good. Stay away from zebras, or at least get its pelt next time.
• Britney S. - consider birth control. That's all I'm saying.
• Everyone else - the fact you aren't named probably means I don't care about you. Or I just forgot. Whatever makes you feel better.

It's Universal

I've been busy, ok? Spare me the complaints. I know that Britney Spears confirmed she's pregnant on Letterman a few days ago, ok? It's one of those universal constancies that should never surprise anyone. A white-trash bottle-blonde got knocked up again by her cheatin', good-for-nuthin', two-timin', beer-drinkin' layabout husband. Other universal constancies include:

• Paris Hilton is a whore
• Tom Cruise is a psychotic homosexual whose pastimes include trying to convince people he's not a pillow-biter and wearing lifts in his shoes to his movie premiers
• Ugly girls like Ashley Simpson get nose jobs to make themselves feel better about themselves
• Star Jones will be ugly no matter what her weight, just like Nicole Richie. And, with a side-by-side comparison, you will see that Star Jones is taking that constancy a step further by actually morphing into a fat Nicole Richie

Cynic Conference Recap

The picture at the left represents my time, on a whole, at the conference this past week. There was much speculation I would have a dreadful time listening to old men's painfully unfunny jokes. But the first night I was there, the strangest thing happened. I met two wonderful people (Kate and Aislinn)...and I had fun.

After the initial "Hi-How-Are-Ya" introductions we went to a cocktail reception and drank. Then we went to dinner and drank some more. The next day we left lunch to find a package store; we bought a 12-pack. We started drinking that at 5:15. By 6:30 it was gone. We then went to another cocktail hour. We left dinner early to go find a store that was a) open past 8:30 p.m. and b) sold alcohol.

We found a grocery store and gleefully ran down the aisles until we located the beer section. We picked up the closest box-o-beer and hurried to the cash register. I looked down at some point, noticing that the box I was holding contained cans. Thirty cans of Miller Lite. All at once I feel massively ashamed that I've stooped so low, and giddy at the prospect of feeling like I am 14 (I started early) again.

Ever the studious one, Kate mentions that we don't have mini-fridges in our hotel rooms, and in the event that we DID have mini-fridges, a 30-pack would never fit. Without a flinch, Aislinn tells us to get ice from the ice machine down the hall. Within 2 minutes, we had our very own sink-cooler. She's my hero.

And without further ado...

Meet Aislinn

*Lamp shades are meant to protect the innocent.

She is the only person I have ever been willing to ditch a conference in order to drive down to the grocery store on a Thursday night to pick up a 30 pack of Miller Lite cans for. I'm also stealing her name for the daughter I don't have, and at this rate may never have.

Meet Kate

In a word: adorable. She's my mini Asian doll who can bend like a pretzel (thanks childhood gymnastics) and has an insatiable penchant for designer bags. This photo is proof of what too many Miller Lites will do to a 4'11" Marketing Professional who attends a conference and by fate, meets someone like me.

Horniest Goat Weed & Cynic Bullet List

A quick update, as I'll be heading to a quaint New-England seaside village for a marketing seminar for the next few days.

*After a particularly aromatic lunch of vegetable korma, I decided it was necessary to purchase some refreshingly-minty gum. On the first floor of our building facing Main Street is a small botega which we affectionately refer to here at The Firm as "the brothel". On the counter, next to the Orbit is a package of Horniest Goat Weed capsules. And at a bargain for only $3.99.

*One bottle of Australian Merlot + painting ceramics = a surgically enhanced nipple. Confused? Welcome to my world.

*Yesterday saw the staging of a mass protest, bringing millions of immigrants (legal and illegal) together for a common goal. Non-Hispanic people country-wide found highways less congested with crappy Nissan Stanzas with no functional brake-lights and their homes markedly more untidy. I keed, I keed.

*Nineteen days until my (much needed) vacation to Ireland. Want me to bring you back a souvenir? I charge a 37% finders fee.