Kate Holmes Scares Me

"I know what you think of me and my amazingly amazing soon-to-be-betrothed psychopath, who - for the record - did NOT impregnate me with a turkey baster. But I don't care. Our seed will conquer the earth at the age of 7, after cleansing the earth of evil Thetans. You'll see."

And is it me, or does the red cause her to slightly resemble Satan? Just a thought. Go about your business.

My Neighbor Digs Billy Idol

I have nothing against Billy Idol. He was a bitchin' musician way back when I was all of 5 years old. I remember singing into my pink My Little Pony hairbrush something about a white wedding, and knowing nothing about what that could possibly mean. But I also made mud pies out of real dirt and ate them on a fairly regular basis. My point is, although I may rock out in my car to 80's tunes now and again, I cannot condone listening to Billy Idol's Eyes Without a Face. Ever. And under no circumstances should one play said song 9 times in a row.

I am convinced that my neighbor was sent by God...or Satan, whoever hates me more...with the sole purpose of torturing me until I relinquish my soul. There is no other logical reason, except for the slight chance that my neighbor is either A) a closet transvestite or B) practicing the choreography for her upcoming Color Guard competition. In any case, it is clear to me that she is evil and must be destroyed.

Candy Is For Rotten, Dirty Little Children

I had the opportunity of visiting Satan...erm...I mean, my dentist...yesterday. While I was waiting, two little boys walked in behind their father, who looked somewhat like a cadaver, and so at first I naturally thought they were Trick-or-Treating. Until I realized the irony of asking a dentist for candy. Then I realized the irony of sending your children to the dentist on Halloween.

Johnny: "Why can't we dress up like all the other kids and go to stranger's houses to beg for candy that may or may not have razor blades jutting out from them?"

Cadaver Dad: "Because candy is for children who haven't been baptized and if you eat it you'll go to Hell and mommy will hate you."