I just read a Mr. Matt Schneiderman's poetically entitled article, "My Week of Picking Up Women" on MSN. You don't have to read it; in fact, if you are a single man, I suggest you don't read it. If you are a single female, I beg you not to read it, lest you think all men are as hopeless as Mr. Schneiderman. Instead, I'll paraphrase his antics, and tell you what he did wrong.
On Monday, Matt hit the gym to seek out some hotties. After realizing women in the cardio room aren't interested, he signed up for a Nia class (a combination of stretching, dance, and yoga).
Why this is bad: Most chicks going to the gym, as he points out, are plugged into their i-Pods, reading the captions on C-SPAN or perusing through Self Magazine. They're sweaty. They're focused. If a man starts staring at her, she's not going to take it as flattering, she's going to wonder what the hell he is looking at. Is it because she's sweating so much you can see pit stains? Does she smell? Better to just leave her alone; most women don't go to the gym to meet people. They go to the gym to get the body to be able to meet people. Secondarily, if you walked into my Nia class, I would peg you immediately as gay.
On Tuesday, Matt volunteered at a basketball clinic.
Why this is bad: Assuming you're going to find single women at a basketball clinic is a stretch, but if you find any you still have to contend with her self-consciousness once again. Why? You're running around an un-airconditioned gym and she's sweating. A lot.
On Wednesday, Matt headed to happy hour. By himself.
Why this is bad: If you go to happy hour by yourself, you automatically signal to everyone that you are only there to find someone. Although this might seem like an honest approach, in a very naive and pathetic sort of way, people head to happy hour with friends and co-workers to unwind after a tough week. They don't want to deal with dudes who are going to use pick up lines on every single chick in the place until one bites. Also, "we met at a bar" isn't a great way to tell the 'rents where you hit it off.
On Thursday, our hapless friend borrowed a dog from a friend in the hopes that bringing the pooch to a doggie park would spark some conversation. The dog was a dachshund.
Why this is bad: Ok, he borrowed a dog. You don't borrow a dog. That's just wrong. And he borrowed a dachshund; while very cute and he must have gotten a few "awww's", the kind of dog you own directly correlates to the type of person you are. Dachshund = cute and dopey, high-strung, and kind of...well...blah. I want a man with a man's dog. Something active, something unpretentious and something with heart.
On Friday, Matt went to a friend's birthday bash.
Why this is good: Relaxed setting, you're there for your friend. If you happen to meet someone, great. Chances are, they'll know the friend, you'll have something to talk about and relate to.
Why this is bad: Hooking up with a friend's friend and then breaking up with a friend's friend. Ouch.
On Saturday, the S-Man went to a wedding.
Why this is good: Weddings make even the most black-hearted of women wonder why she hasn't met the right guy.
Why this is bad: See above.
On Sunday, Matt thought spending a rainy afternoon at a bookstore would snag him someone brainy.
Why this is bad: If she's into reading, she's there to...wait for it...buy a book. Maybe two! Unless you reach for the same Kafka compilation, don't expect an interested glance. If you do pick up the same book, be prepared to answer questions as to why it's your favorite. Women can smell a liar from miles away.
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