From Me To You

Sometimes I get those 5-page letters disguised as holiday cards from distant family members (and sometimes even from distant family members of good friends) that outline everything that happened to them in the year since I last received a 5-page letter detailing everything that happened the year prior.

The letters always include a picture of Little Johnny finally using the potty or Granny Wilma at the convalescent home smiling, with a bowl of green Jell-O in her little, arthritic hands.

So this year, I decided to write my own “Catching Up” note to the people I don’t care to contact on a regular basis and let them know how I’m doing:

Wow! What a year! After a serious yeast infection put me out of work for nearly three weeks, my boss decided my position would be better filled by Lisa, a 23 year old recent graduate of “Imawhore U”. But the people at the shelter have been extremely nice to me since my house and car were repossessed after failing to make the payments; Unemployment just doesn’t pay as much as I thought they would. You would think that after paying into the system for nearly 30 years that they would throw me a F&*#^% bone…but anyway.

Uncle Jaime finally got out of prison and we were all at the gates to greet him. Unfortunately, he called the warden a “greasy son of a goat humper” and was promptly back in front of a judge for harassment. Such a card, that Uncle Jaime!

My niece, Cassandra, gave birth to her 4th child on July 19th. We’re still waiting on the paternity test, but we’re pretty sure this one is actually her husband’s.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Also, to my sister, Betsy, who married a Jew three years ago and now has two children and a warm house to go home to with a two-bay garage and a golden retriever named “Buddy” and who is too good to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus – Happy Hanukkah.

Love,

Min