Cloe Sevigny: The Ugly Barbie

Brace yourselves...I'm about to compliment Chloe Sevigny, the woman whom I was certain was sent to Earth to become my mortal sartorial enemy.

She still looks like shit, to be sure...but look at those legs! If you just don't look at her from about the waist up, she looks tolerable.

A Pox On Chloe Sevigny

Why? Why, Chloe? Why do you insist on showing up in public places looking like a Korean mail order bride, circa 1983?

In fact, why do you insist on showing up in public places at all?

NYC Fashion Week

Puffins got to go; I didn't. Chloe Sevigny also got to attend, although I'm not quite sure why. Because, as I may have mentioned before, she obviously can't dress herself, and she has no real acting credits to her name. Yet there she is, oily hair and smug smile thinking, "my coat is so bitchin'. I'm so glad I stopped through Connecticut and happened to come across that barn. The horse doesn't need this blanket; it has like...fur. And besides, it totally looks better on me."

My Eyes!

Have I ever told you just how much I loathe looking at Chloe Sevigny? Because I do. Everything from her greasy hair to her dead eyes and smug mouth that turns upward as if to say "I know I look totally bitchin' in this dress so you don't have to say anything".

Where are the missing pieces from that dress that should theoretically cover your love canal? Why are there even photos of you on the internet at all? The dog from Full House had more on-screen chemistry than you. Your most infamous movie role can now be considered a derogatory statement, as in: You're a filthy Brown Bunny.

Please, for the love of all things sacred in this world, just go away.

Vincent Gallo Has Large Ego, Probably Not Much Else

I know, I know...you don't even know who Vincent Gallo is. Suffice to say his greatest accomplishment is getting blown by Chloe Sevigny (yeah...who?) in The Brown Bunny (hand to God, it was a movie. In theaters. O.k., like, two theaters, but that's more than I can say about my movie. Which doesn't even have a cast. Or a script).

Where was I? Oh, right, I'm an unknown, starving artist and Vincent Gallo is selling his sperm for $1 million. Good news if you're black; he won't let you have his baby. Not so good news if you're the direct descendant of a Hitler Youth; you get a $50,000 discount. For the full ad and to read about the approximate size of his junk: http://www.vgmerchandise.com/misc.html.

What little I know about Mr. Gallo (and by little I mean nothing) his ad, if indeed real, is probably flowery socio-political commentary on Nazi abortions. Or something like that. Because Vincent Gallo is an artist man. You just don't understand. What I don't understand is why you would post your own mugshots on the front page of your website. But that's just me. I'm old skool.