Another Bush For President

There's an old saying that if women ran the world, everything would be color coordinated. I could live with that.

S.O.C. (Save Our Cynic)

Insanely busy at work *stop* Send caffeine reinforcements *stop*

Cynic Is Unfunny

As I said in the post below, I have a raging case of cyclical apathy going on right now. It's partly to do with hating my job, hating our Puppet President and mostly to do with just hating America in general. Before I get shouts of "If you don't like it, then leave...nee ner, nee ner", let me point out that I think every idea this country was founded on kicks ass (you know, besides the whole "only white men can own property" thing). Way to stick it to an oppressive country, Revolutionaries!

I hate America because it has turned into the exact thing the people who started this country ran away from. I fucking hate ignorant Americans with their "God Bless America" stickers littering their gas guzzling SUV's and country songs written by some hick describing how we're going to put our boots up those injuns' asses! Oh...sorry, wrong era.

So terrific job American government, for adding 21,000 more young men with families, or young men too young to have yet made families, to the front lines of Baghdad. Terrific job Democrats, for taking majority control of Congress and doing absolutely nothing to change the course of this money/oil pyramid scheme you've set up in the middle of a holy civil war.

And the blame goes deeper still to the people of this country. You. Me. Because you may not have voted for "them", but we still do nothing but turn our heads the other way while a mother somewhere in the Middle East huddles in the corner of her own kitchen, clutching her children, while US soldiers with semi-automatics slither through her home. We fleetingly feel empathy for the US Marine being shot at by an unseen foe...and then we go fill up our SUV's.

So realizing that I'm part of the problem that seems almost impossible to fix, I go to a job I hate, grow apart from the people I once enjoyed the company of and slowly stop caring.

I'm Not Dead, But Mary Kate Looks Like She Might Be Soon

So per usual form, it takes an outside power to jolt me out of my apathetic slumber and back into the world of blogging. Our Savior this time comes in the form of Brotha' Kuya. And so I devote this update to him.

MK Olsen, henceforth referred to as "Shiny Cadaver Bag Lady", needs to gain a few pounds. She can have some of mine - it's part of my ongoing effort to create good Karma. The ultimate goal is world peace, helping out one undeserving gossip-column-fodder starlet at a time.

Luv luve,

-Cynic

From Me To You

Sometimes I get those 5-page letters disguised as holiday cards from distant family members (and sometimes even from distant family members of good friends) that outline everything that happened to them in the year since I last received a 5-page letter detailing everything that happened the year prior.

The letters always include a picture of Little Johnny finally using the potty or Granny Wilma at the convalescent home smiling, with a bowl of green Jell-O in her little, arthritic hands.

So this year, I decided to write my own “Catching Up” note to the people I don’t care to contact on a regular basis and let them know how I’m doing:

Wow! What a year! After a serious yeast infection put me out of work for nearly three weeks, my boss decided my position would be better filled by Lisa, a 23 year old recent graduate of “Imawhore U”. But the people at the shelter have been extremely nice to me since my house and car were repossessed after failing to make the payments; Unemployment just doesn’t pay as much as I thought they would. You would think that after paying into the system for nearly 30 years that they would throw me a F&*#^% bone…but anyway.

Uncle Jaime finally got out of prison and we were all at the gates to greet him. Unfortunately, he called the warden a “greasy son of a goat humper” and was promptly back in front of a judge for harassment. Such a card, that Uncle Jaime!

My niece, Cassandra, gave birth to her 4th child on July 19th. We’re still waiting on the paternity test, but we’re pretty sure this one is actually her husband’s.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Also, to my sister, Betsy, who married a Jew three years ago and now has two children and a warm house to go home to with a two-bay garage and a golden retriever named “Buddy” and who is too good to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus – Happy Hanukkah.

Love,

Min

Moral Obligation? I Don't Know What You Mean.

One of the few perks as the Marketing Director of my firm is that usually around "The Holidays" I get thank-yous from clients and businesses who have gained our business through my efforts.

Sometimes the thank-yous are in gift form. This sweeps me into a dilemma: Do I keep the gift for myself (seeing as though it's clearly addressed to me) or do I give it to the Boss because the only reason these people are sending gifts this-a way is because I purchased something from them using the Boss' money?

*Half of the participants I interviewed for my non-scientific poll indicated that keeping the gift would almost be like stealing.

The other half reminded me that I only got a $100 gift certificate to a steak house restaurant after my planning of a $40,000 conference exhibit in Honolulu, HI.

I simply have no soul, so no side is particularly more correct to me in this matter.

*It is important to note that the first half of the participants in this poorly researched study was my left shoe. The other half was my half-eaten bowl of vegetarian udon noodles, which, other than being very tasty, might not really be the best judge of morality.

Jolie Buys Beautiful Children

Oh. My. God. Can this family be any more perfect? But the little white one they created the homemade way seriously screwed my chances of being adopted by Pitt & Jolie. Who needs two blonde, pouty lipped angels?

Welcome Back, Jabba

I was just thinking the other day: "God...you know what this site needs (besides corporate funding)? More Mariah."

And so feast your eyes on the Amazonian hissy-fit-thrower in her signature ugly clothing.

You know I spoil you.

Crash And Burn

As part of a not-so-blind item in Page Six, it was suggested that La Lohan cuts her cocaine with strawberry Quik. What an f'ed up loser; Everyone knows strawberry Quik tastes better in milk.

Page Six also goes on to insinuate that Britney and Paris are going through an experimental phase with one another. All I'm saying is if Britney winds up pregnant again, you only have to go so far as the nearest kinkajou for a paternity test.

Happy Birthday To Me

According to MSN Astrology, all fellow Sagittarians share the following traits:

“Restless, adventuresome, here one minute then off on a tangent the next . . . It's hard to keep our celebrity Sagittarians in one place.And why would we want to? Sagittarians are the wandering gypsies of the Zodiac, the searchers, seekers, and storytellers who walk this world to bring mind-opening and mind-blowing experiences to you. Happy-go-lucky and good-humored, they're the life of every party. These freedom-lovers can also be found in airports, living abroad, or exploring the existential questions of existence.”

I share my stars with the following stars:

Woody Allen (Dec. 1st): Noted pervert who married his adopted daughter.

Britney Spears (Dec. 2nd): Married wannabe Vanilla Ice, deadbeat father of four; currently hangs out with woman whom they will likely name a new strand of Syphilis after (Pari-Syphilis).

Brad Pitt (Dec. 18th): Divorced notorious and talentless Hollywood bitch to playfully chase African babies around the Sahara with the hottest contemporary woman on the planet.

Katie Holmes (Dec. 18th): Brainwashed Xenu worshipper swindled into marrying homosexual, egomaniacal midget.


So yeah...STARS - they're just like us.

Happy Birthday

This Saturday marks a momentous day: I turn 1/4 of a century old. But December 2nd means so much more to the world than just my birthday. Indeed, it is the day the Universe welcomed Britney Spears into its fold. Yes, the Lord giveth, and now we just have to wait for Him to taketh. Please...God...taketh.

Second Levishitkus 3:14, from the Chronicles of Min

"And Lo! Min was born. And she was good - in an evil way. And she was given the power to smite celebrities with her wit and it was good. And worshipers came from all lands to celebrate the birth of Her, bringing shiny things that smelled of diamonds. It was pretty kick-ass."

Wookie Strikes Again

I once had a math teacher in 6th grade with a glass eye. He could look in two opposite directions of the classroom at the same time, much like the Wookie-eyed tranny shown at the left, here.

My point is, Mr. Hlavenski could remove his lazy glass eye as a party trick and Paris Hilton is invited to the AMA's.

Cynic Does Thanksgiving

Ah, Thanksgiving. A time to spend in the presence of family so your father can shake his head in disappointment at your choice to not eat animal flesh and tell you that you should just pack up and move to California where the rest of the liberal hippies live. And you smile and tell him to smoke another joint. And then your mom cries. Then you get into a fist fight with your brother. And all the while the boy you brought to meet your family wonders why he passed up his Aunt Gurdy’s famous sweet potato strudel to be with a house full of loonies, albeit one that created a magnificently hot blonde chick with big boobs and a heart of gold whom he is currently romantically involved with.

And mashed potatoes! Who can forget the mashed potatoes?

Cruise/Holmes Wedding Guest: Posh Spice

Vicki, this is a wedding, not a goddamn horse derby. And you might want to get that third boob growing out of your armpit looked at.

Also, Mystic Tan: Less is More.

Tom Cruise Wears Stilts

The last time I checked, brotha' was hobbit-size.

Seriously, though - Katie Holmes looks great, albeit completely brainwashed.

FYI - Scientology "weddings" aren't legal. Which means if they're legally wed, they had to have a civil ceremony of some kind.

Dear Britney,

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XXOO,

-Min

Thought For The Day

Whoever who coined the phrase "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade" was a very smart person.

Because if I knew who that person was, I'd hunt them down and hurt them.

Run and hide, Anonymous. Run and hide.

Lady In Red

There's this lady at my gym that wears bright red, skin-tight, spandex workout pants that leave very little to the imagination. Don't get me wrong, she has a bangin' body for a 95 year old woman, but I can't concentrate on my sets in the weight room with her there because everytime she does a squat I can't help but wonder "Does she even feel the heinous camel toe she's got going on". I swear to God, she looks three reps away from sawing herself in half.

Britney Sheds 200 lbs, Husband

I have two friends that are currently in a tiff over something really silly. They’re not talking to each other, and in fact, they seem to go out of their way to pretend each never existed. What they don’t realize is they’re made for each other, and that I would be surprised and disappointed if they let their special bond dissolve.

Britney, I know K-Fed (or “Fed-Ex” as the painfully smart people at several gossip columns have now dubbed him) once left a tube of K-Y in his pants pockets and when the maid threw them in the dryer they got all over Sean Preston’s and whatever-the-other-one’s-name-is’ onesies. But at least he had the decency to take out all the receipts from the strip clubs; you know how the lint from paper gets all over the clothes – what a mess!

And Kevin…you’re totally going to be a douche bag on the side of the road holding a sign saying “Will Let You Pee On Me 4 Grey Goose” (as opposed to just being a douche bag in a $35 million Beverly Hills estate) if you don’t drag ass back to your baby mama, like, yesterday.

Now fucking kiss and make up, this retarded attempt at publicity is ruining Tom and Katie’s nuptials.

Guessing Game

Is this a) America Ferrera from Ugly Betty, b) Rachel Bilson from The O.C., c) Ashley Olsen or, d) All of the above?

If you chose A, I could understand. If you chose B, go kill yourself because Rachel Bilson is way too cute to look like that. Ever. If you chose C, you'd be correct. If you chose D, you're a lazy sack of crap and dislike making decisions. That's what my psychic said. She's all about tough love.