No pants? Check!
Ugly beaded frock? Check!
Silk scarf wrapped around microphone a la Steven Tyler? Check!
White patent-leather pumps? Double check!
God, I'm so much hotter than Duff.
Optimists make me sick
"You need fat to produce your hormones," says Beverly Whipple, professor emeritus at Rutgers University and president of the World Association for Sexology. "Cholesterol is metabolized in the liver, and you get your testosterone and estrogen, which you need for your sex drive."Because she subsists mainly on a diet of Red Bull and cheese, and therefore very little fat, she has essentially become a hollow shell with a vagina. Which would be kind of like a guy poking a wooden sex doll. With splinters.
Everyone's favorite transvestite-wookie-eyed-attention whore, Paris Hilton and Greek boyfriend (No, the new one. He's a shipping heir, too. No, I don't know if Greece's Gross National Product is greasy-haired boyfriends for Paris Hilton) were in a hit-and-run car accident early yesterday morning. Aparently, "hit-and-run" and "driving while intoxicated" don't mean much if you've ever been featured in an amateur, night-vision home sex video.
I know, I know...you don't even know who Vincent Gallo is. Suffice to say his greatest accomplishment is getting blown by Chloe Sevigny (yeah...who?) in The Brown Bunny (hand to God, it was a movie. In theaters. O.k., like, two theaters, but that's more than I can say about my movie. Which doesn't even have a cast. Or a script).
Where was I? Oh, right, I'm an unknown, starving artist and Vincent Gallo is selling his sperm for $1 million. Good news if you're black; he won't let you have his baby. Not so good news if you're the direct descendant of a Hitler Youth; you get a $50,000 discount. For the full ad and to read about the approximate size of his junk: http://www.vgmerchandise.com/misc.html.
What little I know about Mr. Gallo (and by little I mean nothing) his ad, if indeed real, is probably flowery socio-political commentary on Nazi abortions. Or something like that. Because Vincent Gallo is an artist man. You just don't understand. What I don't understand is why you would post your own mugshots on the front page of your website. But that's just me. I'm old skool.
What: State Fair of Texas
When: Sept. 25 - Oct. 18, 2009
Where: Fair Park, Dallas
Why: An auto show? Check. Livestock exhibit? Check. American culinary genius in the form of fried candy bars? This wouldn't be Texas without them. Now if only they had a freak show.